An honest account of being a first time mum

Jack of all, master of none

It’s happened. Baby2011 was sat on playmat. I went to feed the cat and came back to find him half wedged under the 2 seater sofa…

Crap.

And he’s quick.

At the same time I’m horrified, I’m immensely proud.

How can I have so much love for something that wasn’t around 7 months ago? No one could have explained to me how fiercely I love baby2011. It makes me love dad2011 even more too. The fact that we made him. It’s awesome.

Me and the mummy friends have been talking about the dreaded work topic over coffee (of course!) . It seems we’re all petrified.

Going back to work. How does this work then? Bearing in mind I once went to work having forgotten to put my earrings in and felt out of sorts all day, and then there was when we got the kitten and I had to take a day off as I didn’t want to leave it on a cold, rainy day.

And getting my act together to get us both ready and out the door for rush hour, how does that work? This seems as big a challenge as climbing Kilimanjaro. In fact in some ways the climb would be easier. Head down and keep going.

How does it work leaving the most precious thing in the world behind?

Even though I’m lucky and have my amazing mum lined up to look after baby2011 I can’t help feeling an overwhelming pull to be there for him. He’s my boy, he’s my responsibility, he needs me.

I know exactly how his tired whinge sounds or if he wants more milk. Heck, I even know the face he pulls just before he lets rip! I know him better than I know myself. And yet I must leave him to go and do a job.

I like work, I like having purpose and I think I am actually ok at what I do. Loads of people argue that you must have something for you as a mum and for many that’s a job. It’s not the job that’s the problem. It’s the logistics, and the fiercely protective instinct that motherhood brings.

So there’s things that I must discuss with work to ensure I can balance things once I go back, but it seems so processey and businessy. Motherhood is emotion and chaos. Worlds apart, a double life even!

And then there’s the worry of doing both “jobs” badly. Being a stressed mum with less time for baby2011 and a marketing executive googling cures for infant constipation.

Deep breath, millions of women do it. If you can handle birth you can handle this…few months left of mat leave.

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