An honest account of being a first time mum

Eye gouging

There are severe punishments for eye gouging in most sports. Fish hooking (sticking your finger in opponents mouth and hooking their cheek) is even banned from wrestling. Head butting (the stag do favoured show of testosterone) can see you in prison. Hair pulling, doesn’t warrant the same severe punishments as the aforementioned actions, but it bloody hurts.

Baby2011 has mastered all of these actions beautifully.

To get him to bed tonight I have been head butted twice, been scalped and he fell asleep with his fingers fish hooking my left cheek. I’m battered and bruised.

But this is a small price to pay for an easy bedtime with the next stop being the divine sound of fridge open, glass out of cupboard, unscrew, glug glug glug glug, sip, sigh, aaaaahhhhhh.

Injuries aside, I’m stupidly, head over heels in love with baby2011. Of course I always have been, but this week his character has developed even more. I know him better. I can see he understands me. It’s weird. But amazing.

I have spent most of the last week saying; NO *disappointed face*, and CAREFUL *shit he’s going to fall and clonk his head face*, and STOP *if you eat my bank statement or the christmas thank you notes I’ve just addressed and stamped I’ll give you to the gypsies face*. He’s hilarious. And boy doesn’t he know it!

Been talking to lots of friends old and new and they’re enjoying this silly little blog (thank you for reading by the way) and I started thinking about all the things you are just never told when you’re pregnant.

A baby’s eye gouging tendencies is one of them, but I’ve thought of lots more…

1.  When your baby smiles for the first time, you will cry
2. You will jump red lights, cut up ferraris and ignore police cars if your baby is crying in the back of the car for a feed or attention
3. When your baby sleeps the whole night you won’t
4. After a while when your crawling baby eats day old broccoli he’s found under the sofa you won’t really care so much…
5. Babyhood goes so quickly (actually everyone tells you this, but it’s the truest truth anyone does tell you!)
6. Being pregnant is easy
7. You will talk about periods, stitches, poo, boobs and your sex life with people you’ve only known for 30 seconds and it’s not weird
8. Returning texts, emails, straightening hair, fake tanning, eye lash tinting, toenail painting even leg shaving is ditched in favour of five minutes peace
9. You will use food to bribe your child
10. You cannot put in to words how much you love your baby, however sleep deprived, however much they wreck your house, it’s love like nothing else

And it’s so true what people are quick to tell you, it’s the hardest but most rewarding job ever. I’ll raise a glass (or 4) to that!

    

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