An honest account of being a first time mum

Archive for August, 2013


It’s been a while because whilst my blogs used to be full of emotional sharing and the chores and triumphs of going through the motions as a first time mother, baby2011 turned into a toddler. He also turned 2. Therefore, I haven’t sat down or finished a task for 6 months.

So, I get it now, parents of older children and more than one child were probably laughing their asses off at my newborn to 18 month old journey. Babies stay in one place. If they’re hungry they have milk. And they snooze ALOT!

Toddlerdom is not like this.

For baby2011, toddlerdom so far can be summed us as follows:

• Consistent use of the phrases; “what you doin’ mummy?”, “no mummy, me do it”, “no don’t help me”, “don’t like it”, “disgusting”, “don’t want to go home”, “ice cream, chocolate, don’t want strawberries…”, “i’m not tired” and just when I’m going to let the gypsies have him “love you mummy”, nice dress mummy”.

• After a carton of Ribena being able to run faster than any adult – cleverly in random directions. Whilst laughing manically as mum has a heart attack that you are going to somehow leap 10 meters and end up in the road.

• Demanding a meal from adult slave immediately and then sitting for approximately 12 seconds to pick at it, spit it out and then throw a lot on the floor. “I will not be sea monster easting pasta boats, and I know for a fact my muscles are unlikely to get bigger if I eat 2 more pieces of carrot – do one, I want to play with the hose in the garden and soak your washing that was nearly dry.”

• Absolute refusal to sit in car seat or buggy. Absolute. This is not going to happen. Not with reverse psychology, not with lies and bribery. “If you want me to get in the seat you’ll have to catch me, pin me down and I will hit you and scream at you for 20 minutes. I don’t even care if Father Christmas is watching.”

• The ability to make a clean car look like utter shit within 4.2 seconds given a breadstick and a short car journey.

• 100% refusal to wear a nappy. And then being extremely proud of pooing and weeing on the floor within feet of the shiny new potty and moments of old nappy being removed.

• “Oh and also, even though I am pretending not to hear you, I will hear and retain every swear word you use and repeat this loudly (in context) in front of people you would really really really wish I didn’t.”

I caught myself saying sternly in a shop just last week “that lady is looking at you and she will tell you off for your bad behaviour” – yep I have turned into a proper mother. And I have no doubt that I am only in the adolescence of my motherhood, so much more to learn and so many ways to grow *thoughtful sigh* and so many more bribes to think up!!!

And so in 9 weeks time, baby2011 is getting a little brother or sister. More chaos. More fun. And much, much less sleep. I think dad2011 and I are going to need to meet up with our old friend Mr Jack Daniels…

Bloody hell, I think I just finished a task!?????