An honest account of being a first time mum

Posts tagged ‘child’

Car parking spaces

With baby2011 around it’s hard to be lazy. He runs rings around me! Much to the delight of dad2011 he also runs rings around him but whilst kicking a football. Well I say football, football, rugby ball, the cat’s ball, the remote control, my mobile, a bit of rogue broccoli. He’ll kick anything. He’s football and kicking mad!

Now baby2011 doesn’t sleep so much. So when he does go to bed it’s hard to be lazy then. In the daytime I just do a rotation of the house, picking things up, tidying, making mental notes that baby2011 has put one of his shoes in the laundry basket and my keys in the cat’s bowl. I sometimes even manage to persuade him to sit in high chair with a bread stick or give him a pen to play with long enough to be able to show the side board a duster or the front room rug some shake and vac.

So you can’t be lazy, even if you wanted to.

I was never any good at being patient but having baby2011 has taught me that being impatient just makes situations more fraught.

Baby2011 went for a “phase” of about 2 weeks when he was about 10 months old when he would only eat cheerios. Beside myself with worry I served up cheerios about 4 times a day. Baby2011 ate the cheerios one by one. Each meal taking about an hour. Now if I didn’t have patience before that, this “phase” certainly trained me to chill out. Now the cheerios are with milk and go on a spoon, baby2011 is getting to grips with plastic cutlery. This is great but every spoonful of cheerios and milk goes over his shoulder before at best, one left on the spoon makes it into his mouth.

Patience is needed at every point with a baby. Meal times, in the car, when you’ve said “no, sit on your bottom” for the 50th time during lunch and they’re still trying to dive out of the high chair. You quickly learn to be patient or you just lose it.

And goodness you have to be strong to have a baby. Yes emotionally strong, physically strong to cope with labour and birth. But I’m talking strong enough to carry wiggling baby, packed to the brim changing bag, lunch box when weaning, and still find a free hand to lock the car or pick up the dummy that little one has just lobbed into the middle of the road.

So as mum2011, I have patience, I am stronger than ever before and any ability to be lazy is a distant dream.

So why do I not have the patience, why do I completely lose it, why do I want to throttle any moron that parks in a parent and child space when they 1. Do not have a child and 2. Have a child that is 19.

We do not need or want the space because we are lazy, we have established that mums cannot be lazy. We are also now strong and as balanced as donkeys when carrying all our mum and baby stuff, this is not why we need the space either.

We need the effing parent and child space because we physically cannot open the door wide enough to get our babies out of their car seats in a regular space!

This rant also goes out to jerks who, when we haven’t been able to get a parent and child space park so close to our car that even Kate moss would struggle to slip in the back seat. Baby on board sign and car seat in back are a giveaway maybe that we need to get into the car easily.

Sorry, reverse you say and then strap little angel in!? And what do we do with baby whilst we reverse? Sit him in trolley in pissing down rain whilst we try not to run him over? Whilst we watch others zip round car park within inches of him. I think not.

So jerks and morons, park in the normal spaces. Because I don’t have any patience for you.

*sighs, picks up cheerios and packs 3 bags for lunch outing whilst noticing the rain beating down*

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Eye gouging

There are severe punishments for eye gouging in most sports. Fish hooking (sticking your finger in opponents mouth and hooking their cheek) is even banned from wrestling. Head butting (the stag do favoured show of testosterone) can see you in prison. Hair pulling, doesn’t warrant the same severe punishments as the aforementioned actions, but it bloody hurts.

Baby2011 has mastered all of these actions beautifully.

To get him to bed tonight I have been head butted twice, been scalped and he fell asleep with his fingers fish hooking my left cheek. I’m battered and bruised.

But this is a small price to pay for an easy bedtime with the next stop being the divine sound of fridge open, glass out of cupboard, unscrew, glug glug glug glug, sip, sigh, aaaaahhhhhh.

Injuries aside, I’m stupidly, head over heels in love with baby2011. Of course I always have been, but this week his character has developed even more. I know him better. I can see he understands me. It’s weird. But amazing.

I have spent most of the last week saying; NO *disappointed face*, and CAREFUL *shit he’s going to fall and clonk his head face*, and STOP *if you eat my bank statement or the christmas thank you notes I’ve just addressed and stamped I’ll give you to the gypsies face*. He’s hilarious. And boy doesn’t he know it!

Been talking to lots of friends old and new and they’re enjoying this silly little blog (thank you for reading by the way) and I started thinking about all the things you are just never told when you’re pregnant.

A baby’s eye gouging tendencies is one of them, but I’ve thought of lots more…

1.  When your baby smiles for the first time, you will cry
2. You will jump red lights, cut up ferraris and ignore police cars if your baby is crying in the back of the car for a feed or attention
3. When your baby sleeps the whole night you won’t
4. After a while when your crawling baby eats day old broccoli he’s found under the sofa you won’t really care so much…
5. Babyhood goes so quickly (actually everyone tells you this, but it’s the truest truth anyone does tell you!)
6. Being pregnant is easy
7. You will talk about periods, stitches, poo, boobs and your sex life with people you’ve only known for 30 seconds and it’s not weird
8. Returning texts, emails, straightening hair, fake tanning, eye lash tinting, toenail painting even leg shaving is ditched in favour of five minutes peace
9. You will use food to bribe your child
10. You cannot put in to words how much you love your baby, however sleep deprived, however much they wreck your house, it’s love like nothing else

And it’s so true what people are quick to tell you, it’s the hardest but most rewarding job ever. I’ll raise a glass (or 4) to that!